Letters to the Master

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Maintaining any relationship requires a huge amount of commitment, and genuine love for your partner, embracing their faults, and foibles, as well as their more obvious attributes. A long distance relationship becomes more complicated still, for despite the obvious advantages (no dirty underpants, the bed and duvet to yourself for most of the time, no pressure to wax, ownage of the remote control!) there is a need to keep your correspondence fresh. Daily face to face interaction naturally produces conversation, phone calls and emails do not have the same effect. In fact, they can be a minefield of misinterpretation. It is too easy to slip into a half-hearted ‘Love you’ ‘Love you too’, as you both go about your separate lives, in separate countries.

Fortunately, my Long Lost Recently Found Again (so wish that made a decent acronym, sadly LLRFA just looks like a worthy charity) and I, in our previous incarnation, had already experienced the rigours of distance, in pre-internet days. No instant contact then, we relied on the postman, which could sometimes take weeks. For a while, I lived in Scotland, and he would insist on addressing the envelope Scotland, England, which would result in the postie throwing it at the door in disgust, and not posting it!! So both of us recognise the first signs of distance meltdown in each other, and act swiftly to stop it in its tracks.

And then, of course, there is the S word (my apologies to anyone under 25, who is now horrified that ancient people like us even remember what the word means!). That too requires some creativity, and imagination. And this is, in part, what led to the Bob Emilys. And the suggestion, from Him, that I start a blog, based on these imaginary letters from my vibrator. So I have rejigged them slightly, made them more suitable for general consumption. Imagine, if you will, as you read them, that they are spoken in the slightly refined voice of a valet, or butler.

So here it is, my first idea of how my blog would evolve. I hope you enjoy the concept!!

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Dear Mr Vladlock,
I am writing to let you know how unbearable my life has become since you reappeared in my mistress’s life.
Before you, life was simple. I spent many a lazy day lying in my comfy drawer, occasionally performing my duties when Madam required.
But then you burst back on the scene, and suddenly I am on demand at any hour of the day!! In truth I have taken to hiding, in the hope that she wont find me!! My batteries have taken a battering, and my good vibrations are now shaky trembles!!
And now she berates me for not getting things right!! He does it this way, He is wonderful, why can’t you be more like Him ……blahdiblahdiblah!!!!!!
I fear my life will never be the same!!! I wonder, as you pace about in your purple pants, if you have any thought to the trauma you have caused me!!!
Respectfully yours,
Bob

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Dear Mr Vladlock,
It has been a while since we last corresponded, and as I thought, my life has changed immeasurably since you rediscovered my mistress.
I knew immediately that my days were numbered, and retirement beckoned. Her demeanor at your return, and her constant comparisons of our abilities, always in your favour, reduced my batteries to nought, and my vibration to a mere flicker.
In truth, I could never compete with warlock magic, and the arrival of the wand spelled the end ( see what I did there? SPELLed!! She has taught me well, sir!!)
So here I am in Frimley, in a very comfortable drawer, close to all the amenities, and with opportunities to meet lovely retired ladies called Mavis and Euphemia, and indulge in post-bingo capers.
However, I implore you to cherish my mistress, for within the witch lives an angel with a shining soul. Also be aware, a joy of the erotic that could exhaust a less magical being.
All I ask is that you write occasionally, and assure you that I am willing to return, should you require my services.
Kind regards,
Robert Rabbit (Bob)
p.s. New year wishes to my distant cousin, Mr. Lightyear

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Dear Mr Vladlock, 
May I take this opportunity to thank you for my recall into the witch’s home. My welcome has been gratifying, apart from Leon the cat, who, I fear, may have, at an earlier juncture, misunderstood our conversation about my role regarding serving feline related parts of my Mistress’s anatomy , and seemed to think my role was to supply him with small rodents!! Indeed, he has been quite vociferous about my failings in this area!! 
Your last missive regarding my mistress was most complimentary, although I believe I have heard mention of impossible galaxies too. My error, she has corrected me, it appears I heard the phrase ‘****ing impossible *itch’.
May I just say how honoured I am to be representing your image. Given the detailed and passionate description of your prowess that I have listened to( endlessly) for the past few months, I can only hope that I can rise to the occasion, and stand proud!!! I assure you, I will do my best, as my mistress has promised not to send me back to Frimley, but instead will set me up in a studio apartment on the beach in Marbella. Such a relief, the thought of bingo halls and Euphemia for ever more was quite distressing!!!
My apologies, that was slightly ungallant, but I am sure you can understand!!! The smell of mothballs, and the occasional spiderweb. Awful!!!
It appears I have to step into the hex now, so sadly I must finish this correspondence. 
Best wishes Mr Vladlock,
Kind regards,
Bob
p.s. She does love you so very much

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Dear Mr Vladlock,
Once more, I feel impelled to write to you.
Although initially I had reservations regarding the introduction, at your behest, of the Wand, and indeed feelings of inadequacy, the two of us have forged a close relationship whilst ensconced in our drawer. I have introduced him to the finer things in life, such as opera, and the works of our beloved Bard, William Shakespeare. And he has widened my world with his passion for Lucha Libre!!!!!
I suspect you may not be cognizant with this sport, it is indeed a form of wrestling new to me. He is known as La Varita Nariz Purpura Grande, and has suggested I adopt the name Roberto el Conejo!!
He admits he is in awe of you, Vladrock the Impaler, since despite our combined efforts, my mistress is never happier than when she is with you!!
Indeed, it was quite touching to watch the concern on her face when you were so recently afflicted with the ague!!
I attach an image of myself and my homey ( he assures me this is the correct street talk) on a recent foray into Wrestlemania!!!
Best wishes and kind regards, your mutha (see how I evolve!!)
Robert Rabbit

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Dear Mr Vladlock,
Or as my mistress now assures me I should address you, Mr Vlad Alexander. Which is indeed a  name that sums up both your innate class, and your intriguing otherworldliness!! She has become ensconced in all things literary, and is spending every free minute of her day transcribing memories of her moments with you onto the rival for my attention, the Laptop. The Wand and I have discussed this, and we have come up with the perfect plan to lure her back into the sweet tryst we previously enjoyed. Since only the promise of your touch could distract her, I have fashioned a cunning disguise. I hope meets your approval, kind sir.
Yours always in awe,
Robert Rabbit

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To be continued………………………………………………………………………

 

About Thewitch

Nikki is a half centenarian, an eternal teenager, and mother of four geniuses. In her previous incarnation, she was a famous Parisian courtesan, and witch, thus explaining her habit of talking to the moon in french. Due to her inability to control her thought/speech processes, she writes about life, love, laughter and anything else that happens to spill out. Those of a strong constitution can read more on her About page.

13 responses »

  1. Ah, you’ve been cagey about your blog’s purpose. Now I see! It’s hysterical; it even felt a little Downton Abbey-ish to me – although the tone makes me expect double entendres at every turn, so when you included the word ‘cunning’. . .well, let’s just say, I was expecting it to go a different way.
    I think your LLRFA should be your LLooFA (as in, Long Lost oo! Found Again). Just a thought.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hahahah!!! That is inspired, I am afraid I will have to steal it, especially since it was the subject of another emily!! Am now searching for the cunning reference, damn!! an opportunity I missed!! So delighted it made you laugh!! I may continue after all!!

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      • “Since only the promise of your touch could distract her, I have fashioned a cunning disguise. I hope meets your approval, kind sir.”

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      • I really wasn’t sure about publishing these, despite the encouragement from Vladlock. Or LLooFa!! So many more in my head, perhaps I should make it a weekly post?!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • No, I haven’t, but will have in the next 24 hours! Thank you for your input, I am childishly excited that someone else found it funny!!

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      • Humor in writing is hard. For whatever reason (probably my blog’s very narrow focus — dead people aren’t funny (maybe *that’s* my new blog name!)), I don’t feel my sense of humor is coming out in my writing. I’m a little frustrated that I haven’t found the humorous vein in my topic yet. I’m trusting I will eventually. It’s inspiring to read someone’s blog, like yours, who has found that line. Keep going, twitch, LLooFa is right to encourage you to write!

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      • Just checked out Jasper Fforde, defo reading some of that!! I didn’t try to be funny, maybe that’s the trick? My family are all completely mad, that helps too!! My two teenage boys do the best ever lipsync to Total Eclipse of the Heart, that is pure genius!! I will keep following anyway, and will know the minute you find your humojo!!

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