BOB and EMILY (the continuing saga of a rollercoaster life)
- The Witch – would be scribe, mother of geniuses, walking disaster zone. Easily recognisable by mop of virulent red hair, and propensity to dissolve into giggles at inappropriate moments.
- Torn-Apart – holder of Witch’s heart, inadvertently misplaced by her many moons ago, recently joyfully rediscovered. Much given to impromptu impressions. Possessor of most beautiful voice in all the realms.
- Eldest Son – Most senior of Witch’s offspring, lover of ancient history, and self-confessed geek. Has loyal band of fellow geeks, an evening spent in his flat is akin to being on a set of Friends/Big Bang Theory. With English accents. Noted for his ability to rant on any subject.
- Darling Daughter – beautiful, multi-talented, lover of science, and marathon shopper. Slight in stature, but possessor of extremely long legs. A force to be reckoned with. Also known as the drinks whisperer due to innate ability to acquire alcohol without spending a penny.
- Nearly Non-Teen – rugby player, student of politics and history, totally dismissive of political correctness. Fanatical film buff, and too handsome for his own good. Given to ridiculous flights of fancy, resulting in helpless laughter from chosen audience.
- Littley – youngest son of Witch, name belies towering height as result of stunning adolescent growth spurt. Lover of computer games, hater of sunlight. And travelling. And other people generally. Fertile imagination often leads to completely inappropriate conversations with mother.
- Fragrant Mother – delicate sweet white haired lady, whose appearance belies a rapier sharp tongue. Convent school education has resulted in never wearing patent shoes, in case her knickers are reflected in them. Selective memory means that she denies ever having done anything unladylike, and categorically denies having once farted whilst making bunk beds.
- Sorta Daughter – long term girlfriend of Eldest Son, ability to pack incredible amount of activity into her day. Lawyer, netball captain, theatre critic, talented cook, and collector of tea-sets. Also much given to climbing mountains.
- Sister #1 – younger sibling of the Witch by eighteen months, has always felt she should have been the eldest. Has apparently had every illness known to man, far worse than anyone else, and indeed may have had some named after her. Has even suffered from imaginary agues made up by siblings. Wears knickers on her head in bed to keep her hair tidy.
- Sister #2 – middle sister, fabulous teller of outrageous tales. Bolshy left winger, diminutive in height, easy to incite to wrath. Never places furniture in the middle of the floors of upstairs rooms, for fear of it falling through. Checks for location of fault lines, before moving into new home. Chose husband due to his resemblance to Captain Scarlet.
- Baby Bruv – only brother of Witch, sweet soul who cries at the drop of a hat. Persistently tormented by sisters. Accomplished musician, and talented singer, which begs the question as to why he chose a career in insurance. Doting father of two of the most impossibly beautiful boys.
- Baby Sis – fiercely focussed and successful teacher, headmistress by 27. Has genuinely suffered from severe ill-health, but refuses to discuss this. Chooses odd places to live, such as Shetland and Falkland Islands, in an attempt to stay as far as possible from unhinged siblings.
- Bestest Friend – scottish madwoman, sharer of adventures, laughter, tears, and copious amounts of alcohol. Incredibly photogenic, unlike Witch. Has large collection of dreadful photos of Witch, which she passes round at social gatherings as an icebreaker. Also shares a love of obscure eighties electrogoth, and Tablet.
- Bob – faithful servant and vibrator, adventurer, and inveterate letter writer. Often enters into correspondence with Torn-Apart. Fond of dressing up, and posing for photographs.