Saturday evening, and I was enjoying the heady rush of approval of the photo I had shared with the world in general. Normally my photographs make me look like a lady of the night with a severe drug habit and a glass eye, but this one had somehow made me look relatively attractive, much to my delight. Vanity had consumed me, and I had become ever more delighted with each like on my Facebook page!!! Finally I had decided to tear myself away from the computer screen, and head for bed.
As I did so, I realized that my nightdress was still on the washing line. The rest of the household had retired already, so I crept quietly into the garden in the dark, leaving the light off so not to disturb anyone.
I gathered the clothes hanging there, and, arms full, spun around to head back to the house, blythely unaware that the neighbour’s cat had decided to sit just behind me!! And down I came, in a clumsy tangled heap, unable to save myself because of the clutch of clothing! Had I been slightly more petite, this would simply have resulted in an ungainly fall onto grass, but unfortunately, my extra few inches of what my Nearly Not Teen refers to as my unnatural woman height meant that my face made resounding contact with the concrete of the garden path! My glasses broke on contact, and added to the damage incurred, burying themselves into my eye socket, and my poor nose, which has already suffered four breaks in its half century, experienced its fifth.
I finally managed to untangle myself from the laundry, and struggled to a sitting position, blood pouring from both my nose and a gash on my temple. The neighbour’s cat sashayed casually past, casting me a reflective eyed look of disdain at my clumsy human moves!! Grabbing my nightdress to stem the flow, I clambered to my feet, and tottered unsteadily back to the house.
The vision that greeted me in the mirror was a far cry from the one I had been so smugly proud of earlier! I do comedy bumps, of the Tom & Jerry ilk, which swell with ridiculous speed to gargantuan proportions! My face was completely distorted, and awash with blood, and my left eye had disappeared completely!! Gingerly, I cleaned the wounds, and then grabbed a bag of frozen peas, to press against the affected area, in a vain attempt to reduce the swelling. And thus I spent the night, swapping peas for other suitable vegetables, as each pack defrosted!!
The reaction of the rest of my household, as they emerged the next morning, confirmed my suspicions that my pea-packs had not perfomed any miracles. Finally braving the mirror again, I faced Sylvester Stallone after the final fight in Rocky 2,975!! I hadn’t appreciated that there were that many shades of purple!! My heart sank!!!
You see, on Friday, I am meeting up with Torn-Apart. Which is hard enough to envisage,although he assures me I am being silly!! But I am also meeting his best friend for the first time, and quite what he will make of some-one who looks like a professional kick-boxer, I dread to think!! I have toyed with the idea of sunglasses, but as I don’t have any prescription ones, it would probably only lead to another fall! So I have developed another cunning plan!! I am becoming a pirate!! I shall make me an ornate patch, and dress in a goth pirate Johnny Depp/ Helena Bonham-Carter fashion, all floaty stuff, and brocade jackets and boots!! What do you think? Reckon I can work that look?!!
In the mean-time, I am going to keep a daily photo diary of my eye, to see how many different shades of purple through green/grey/yellow my skin can produce!! So for those of a squeamish or delicate disposition, look away now!! This is day one and two!!
Men in Blackeye!!