Alternative Therapies……I’ll Go Back to Basics, Thanks!


bad back pose

I read a gloriously funny post yesterday by the wonderful Jen K. on her blog Send the Bus, about involving your child in your yoga routine. My children’s involvement usually amounts to pointing and laughing, and possibly filming with a view to posting it on Facebook. That is the point when they are forcibly reminded of my wrestling skills!! Add a daft dog and cunning cat into the mix, and the whole situation quickly descends into farce.

A few weeks ago, I managed to put my back out, by making a cup of tea. Seriously! Go figure! Amazingly, I very rarely suffer from back problems, despite many years spent working in dangerously high heels, and contorting myself into ridiculous positions. As a hairdresser, you understand. This, combined with what my Nearly Non-teen describes as my “unnatural woman height” should have resulted in a lifetime of Deep Heat and chiropractors, but I managed to survive virtually unscathed. (Incidentally, although tall, I am not of towering proportions. My son is merely bitter because he inherited my Father’s hobbit genes!)

I struggled gamely through the day, incapacitated to the point where I had to put my knickers on with the help of a broom handle ( a trick I learnt during pregnancy), and sneezing was notย an option. So I sought advice from my Torn-Apart, himself a veteran of the bad back brigade.

“Lie flat on the floor and stretch out your legs” came the reply. Bless, I thought, such a sweet talker!! Then realised this was in fact his back healing advice. What follows is the emily I sent back.

Home from work. Back aching, decide to take advice, to lie on floor. Opt for sitting room, only floor area large enough to accommodate prone body. manoeuvre gingerly to ground, stretch out. Realise how cold carpetless floor feels. Turn head, discover whereabouts of lost pendrive, four pens, two balls, empty sweet wrappers, and fifty pence. Make mental note to ask boys to move sofas to facilitate hoovering. Regret open plan living, as joined by dog and cat. Dog, taking advantage of rare close proximity, snuffles face. Add ‘bath smelly dog’ to mental note. Bat off dog with hands, cat takes advantage of distraction to lie on chest. Throw handy slipper at dog, attempt to remove cat, discover arms are shorter than cat at full stretch with claws embedded in left breast. Dog returns slipper, senses new game, joins cat on chest. Have sneezing fit brought on by dust under sofa, hurt back again. Give up. Roll sideways to eject animals, realise getting up far more difficult than lying down. Spend ungainly five minutes using sofa as climbing frame. Opt for alternative therapy. Pour large glass of wine. Have hot bath!! ย ย 

About Thewitch

Nikki is a half centenarian, an eternal teenager, and mother of four geniuses. In her previous incarnation, she was a famous Parisian courtesan, and witch, thus explaining her habit of talking to the moon in french. Due to her inability to control her thought/speech processes, she writes about life, love, laughter and anything else that happens to spill out. Those of a strong constitution can read more on her About page.

12 responses »

  1. I know where you are with this, as I suffer occasionally from a bad back and walk around like an old man for a week, having to use every piece of furniture in the house to get me around. Thanks for the tip on using a broom handle. Will make sure I have one in the bathroom next time my back goes. Doesn’t solve the problem of cleaning up after the dog when out walking though, but have met some very kind and considerate people who could not bare to watch me suffer with dog pooh bag in hand.


    • For three days last year, I staggered around like an aged crone. Back brace, deep heat, pain killers large enough to stun a horse, nothing worked! Then I had dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, a veteran of the ‘Back Club’, with a hip operation under her (supportive) belt. We had Lasagne, and she introduced me to chocolate vodka! The following morning I could have danced with Nureyev!! I heartily recommend it as a wonder drug!! ๐Ÿ˜€


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