Most Annoying Person on the Plane


My irrepressible sense of the ridiculous has always kept me from being overwhelmed completely by the events in my car crash of a life. It is very much a family trait, and a gathering of my clan invariably transcends into a riotous display of wit and madness, resulting in gloriously helpless laughter. My father was a controlling, often brutal man, with a mercurial temper, but a possessor of huge charm and ready wit, which enabled him to mask his true character from the outside world, and meant any revelation about our tormented home life was met with disbelief by those who thought they knew him well.
I have learned, over the years, to control the laughter bubbling up inside me, as it is not always appreciated by others. Years ago, my best friend chose to inform me, in the middle of an Adam and the Ants concert, just as I had popped a very large piece of toffee into my mouth, that the mother of a mutual friend of ours, had committed suicide. The sight of her earnest face, with a white stripe painted over her nose, struck me as so inappropriate, that I burst out laughing, spraying her with the half chewed sweet! She refused to speak to me for several days.
My children have inherited the wit gift, each one having developed their own unique slant. My oldest son, now in his late 20’s, a self confessed geek, is a master of the monologue, or rant. My daughter, most reticent of my offspring, nonetheless has a razor sharp tongue, and can demolish the most belligerent of opponents with a few well chosen words. My mother has the same talent. As a cathartic exercise, on the collapse of my marriage, I had my first tattoo. Never much given to subtlety, it was of semi-epic proportions across my lower back. Proudly, I sent her an image of it, and received the following reply. “Well done, darling, you now look like an ageing lesbian.” My youngest son has a deliciously surreal imagination, and made all of us collapse recently when, on being told by his brother that he looked edgy, replied “Don’t be stupid, I’m the curved bit on a bar of chocolate!”
But it is my middle son, now 18, who has perhaps a humour closest to mine. This has led, over the years, to accusations that he is my favourite. Totally untrue, it is just very difficult to chastise a child who reduces you to hysterical giggles. One of his earliest gems was at the tender age of four. I lifted him from the bath, and, standing behind him, wrapped him, robe like, in a towel. He looked up at me, and in a deep voice, said “Luke, I am your father.” Brilliant!!
His finest talent, however, is his ability to lapse into any character, and have a completely improvised conversation with me on any subject. These can be a few lines only, or can last for half an hour or more. And so to the conversation on the ‘plane.
It was conducted in a Cornish accent, no reason for that, just seemed to work!!
Him: So who are you then?
Me: I’m Jesus
Him: You can’t be Jesus, you aint got a beard.
Me: Thats cos I wax.
Him: But that would hurt.
Me: I’m Jesus, I feel no pain.
Him: Thats a lie right there, you cried on the cross.
Me: No I didn’t.
Him: I saw the pictures!
Me: It was raining that day, they was raindrops.
Him: So how are you and Judas these days?
Me: Not to good, given the cash bung thing.
Him: Yeah, I noticed you had blocked him on Facescroll!!!
Cue helpless laughter, at which point the woman sitting in front of me stood up and glared at me over the top of her seat. Both of us slid down, trying to suppress giggling, and he whispered into my ear.
“If you don’t know who is the most annoying person on the plane, it’s probably you!!”

About Thewitch

Nikki is a half centenarian, an eternal teenager, and mother of four geniuses. In her previous incarnation, she was a famous Parisian courtesan, and witch, thus explaining her habit of talking to the moon in french. Due to her inability to control her thought/speech processes, she writes about life, love, laughter and anything else that happens to spill out. Those of a strong constitution can read more on her About page.

3 responses »

    • I thought it was inspired!!! About six months after this, a new comedy called Plebs started on BBC. It was set in Ancient Rome. They used the gag Facetablet, and I thought hmmm you were on that plane!!!!


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